ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
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The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho