Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
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Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
I want what they have
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM