When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
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playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
what do you want!!!!!!!!
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
The French word for sex is croissant.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.