Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
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Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Don’t touch that.
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
i baked you a cake
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme