911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
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There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries