Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
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*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Labreador
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey