Omg like wtf
-me, praying
You Might Also Like
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
This one’s “Alex”.
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
Lmao 🤣
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
Krampus.
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
how to exercise your calf muscles