When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
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Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
buys donuts instead
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON