just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
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when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
This is my favorite one of these!
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”