My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
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Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Good boy 😂😂
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.