As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
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Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
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Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.