I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
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how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds