Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
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moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*