my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
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When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.