TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
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Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
I don鈥檛 understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i鈥檓 giving more than i take. i鈥檓 generous.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
uh oh
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Cutest fight ever.. 馃槉
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn鈥檛 exist.
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
self-esteem鈥檚 so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*