Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
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I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
The cake is mightier than the sword.
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
Teamwork makes the dream work.