Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
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Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
very niche meme I made
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
BaD BoY!!
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.