drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
You Might Also Like
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
Stonehinge
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.