I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
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me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.