[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
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Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no