I need to get some bricks…
You Might Also Like
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.