Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
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If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
Is fructose made with real fruct?
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.