Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
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Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips