C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
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Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
what’s the point then??
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me: