Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
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Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.