I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
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I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.