My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
You Might Also Like
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
fourth time’s the charm
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
DOOO EEEET