GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
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A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it