Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
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It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit