[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
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To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
I’m giving up for Lent.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…