{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
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[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
For when Tinder doesn’t work
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled