Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
You Might Also Like
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
New tinder profile pic
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”