Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
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Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
Twitter is the new flypaper.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife