My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
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Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.