Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
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[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.