Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
You Might Also Like
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again