you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
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There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
I wish this was real life…
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
True freaking story!
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.