I want to meet the individual who made this
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Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you