[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
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All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
seems like a niche market
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.