what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
You Might Also Like
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL