winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
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Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
I got soap in my shower beer again.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.