*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
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[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
🤔😂😂
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
My what?
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒