Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
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ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.