Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
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What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
The police never think its as funny as you do.
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans