I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
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My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
This is not me but this is me
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
*puts cutlery down*
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.