Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
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*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER