[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
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If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
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If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”