Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
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‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors