Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
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I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
This is my emotional support knife.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.