When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
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Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos